BANGKOK (APF)—Thailand’s Department for Farang Food Control has warned of dangerously high levels of hazardous Tex-Mex in greater Bangkok on Monday and Tuesday, with an unprecedented excess off piss-poor tacos found clouding inner-city Bangkok.

Following the opening of the city’s first Taco Bell on January 24, the TDFFC warns that fine particulate taco matter with a diameter of less than 2.5 texmexons (TM2.5) exceeded the safe level of 50 TM2.5 particles per cubic meter that has previously been monitored around Tex-Mex restaurants in Bangkok.

“We thought the Missing Burro was a real climactic turning point for Mexican cuisine in Bangkok,” said TDFFC spokesperson Wanchai Putasiri. “But one converted shipping container on Thonglor cannot counter the effects of a giant conglomerate with 7,000 branches and shredded mini chicken quesadillas for just B220.” 

In reaction, the Bangkok Metropolitan Administration has attempted a series of measures aimed at counteracting toxically inauthentic hard-shell tacos and burrito bowls concentrated around Chit Lom.

Members of the general public have reported sighting vans driving along Lang Suan Road piping fine mists of squeezed lime juice and fresh cilantro into the air, though critics say these actions are purely cosmetic.

“You can’t expect to fix this with a few tableside smashed guacamoles and plantain chips. Bangkok’s current Tex-Mex levels have been steadily rising since we got that first Sunrise Taco in, what was it, 2009?” commented independent expert Preeti Prinpasiriboom. “Speaking of 2009, did you see my 10-year selfie?” she added, as reporters quickly started walking in the other direction.

Further measures, including the disbursement of 10,000 cast-iron tortilla presses, were seen as laughable in a city with a population of over 10 million. 

Symptoms of excessive exposure to Taco Bell include problems breathing, chipotle-stained clothing, stinky fingers and serious flatulence. 

“If you experience any of these symptoms, seek medical help immediately,” warned the TDFFC spokesperson. “Or go eat FarmFactory instead.” 

This story is satire, not news. Read this and more stories like it in the print edition of BK, out Jan 25. Or subscribe to get every new copy of BK emailed to you for free here.