“When a matcha soft serve specialist comes along, we’ll consider stepping down.”

Bangkok—Thailand’s electoral impasse may finally have found a resolution, as a group of dessert cafes from Hokkaido have announced a coalition large enough to claim a parliamentary majority.

Ringo Apple Pie, Gram Pancakes, Croquant Chou and maker of chocolate-filled fish-shaped croissants Croissant Taiyaki have brokered an 11th-hour deal with the Election Commission to claim the popular vote and run the country instead of any of the balloted political parties.

A spokesman for the group explained: “Thais have made pretty clear these last few years that flaky pastry, creamy cheese fillings and wobbly stacks of souffle pancakes are a better reflection of their aspirations than politics. Reds, yellows, pro-democracy, pro-military—we can finally put these labels aside and unite under buttery baked treats.”

The Election Commission, which has come under fire since the Mar 24 election for widespread irregularities at polling stations and unclear methodology, has welcomed the move.

“The new constitution was always designed to allow for an outsider PM, we just never expected it would come from a group of dessert specialists,” explained EC chairman Ittiporn Boonprakong. “But the pastries are one thing people agree on.”

The Hokkaido confectioners easily secured the needed support of at least two-thirds of MPs and senators under Section 272 of the charter, better known as the “outsider prime minister” rule, with Bangkok’s warring political factions quick to concede defeat.

“Civil liberties are at an all-time low, our economy’s down the toilet, and the new constitution has proved dodgier than a Chiang Mai zipline operator. Having Hokkaido’s No. 1 makers of sweet baked treats in charge can’t screw up the country any worse than the junta did,” said a Future Forward member happy with the outcome.

When asked what policies the bakeries have planned for Thailand, the dessert makers made no concrete promises. “We just think the country needs a really good Japanese bakery at its head for a few years,” said the spokesperson. “When a matcha soft serve specialist comes along, we’ll consider stepping down.”

But the Hokkaido Group has met with some small opposition. Student activist Netiwit Chotiphatphaisal was captured at BTS Siam on Friday, silently reading an Uncle Tetsu cheesecake recipe, in what many are seeing as a symbolic act of defiance.

Pheu Thai, meanwhile, were said to be in talks with Sapporo-based buttermilk biscuit creators Rokkatei, in a bid to establish a proxy bakery in time for the 2023 elections.
 

This story originally appeared on Page 3 of BK Magazine. Read more stories like it in the print edition of BK, next out May 10. Or subscribe to get every new copy of BK emailed to you for free here.